New Legislation Stops Climate Change

Today, the president has signed a new law banning climate change.

Putting aside questions of emissions standards, this sweeping legislation seeks to settle the environmental issue once and for all. The new law, called the Climate Change Abolition Bill, simply makes it illegal for the climate to change.

“Finally, both parties have found something they can agree on,” said Rep. Lisle, a Dempublican from New Hampshire. “Whether climate change is happening, whether it’s caused by the actions of humans, or whether industry should be held responsible for climate change is irrelevant. Climate change just shouldn’t happen. Period.

Despite Rep. Lisle’s assertion, there are some who oppose the bill.

“This is ridiculous,” said Sen. Minks, a Libertericrat from California and one of the bill’s most vocal opponents. “You can’t just ban climate change. What are you going to do- arrest the climate if it changes?”

“Sen. Minks is a huge hypocrite,” the President said in a statement on Friday. “He says he cares about the environment, but he voted against the most tremendous climate change bill ever.”

The public, for the most part, has supported the bill. According to the latest Phew poll, 73% of US voters are against climate change.

“I support the bill,” said Mary Parker, a schoolteacher from Oregon. “I’ve been saying that we should outlaw climate change ever since I saw that movie with the polar bears.”

At this time, the polar bears could not be reached for comment.

Santa Claus Begins New Reign of Terror

The infamous dictator, Santa Claus, was spotted yesterday morning on 34th street, New York, riding an elaborate carriage. The carriage was surrounded by the usual pomp that precedes his annual Reign of Terror.

Today, many citizens are staying indoors as Claus’s followers fill the streets, shops, and malls with riots and mayhem. This tradition, dubbed with the dreadful moniker “Black Friday,’ is feared by many- even those who take part in the mayhem. The yearly ritual is filled with physical violence and often leads to financial ruin.

“Last year, I was bitten by two children and a middle-aged schoolteacher over a half-priced Xbox One,” Judy Smith, a retail worker, told Planetside news. “I have to work the early shift again this year- can you believe it?”

Black Friday, however, is just the beginning of Claus’s reign of terror. Each year, Claus’s propaganda machine springs to life, filling television, billboards, and the internet with advertisements. Public spaces are decorated in red and green, the colors that represent Claus’s party, and so-called “christmas trees” are erected as monuments.

“What disturbs me most is the constant music,” stated an anonymous source. “Everywhere you go, you can hear it- ‘he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows when you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.’”

This threat of constant surveillance is another way Claus maintains totalitarian control during his reign. He also sends his minions, known as elves, into the public and even into people’s homes. These elves sit on shelves and keep a constant lookout for those who break Claus’s strict rules.

Claus’s reign reaches its terrifying crescendo on December 24th, when Claus drives a herd of flying mutant ruminants around the world in an awesome display of power. He then enters the homes of his followers to collect tribute in the form of calorie-dense foods, and leaves gifts behind to solidify their loyalty. In the homes of those he has placed on the “naughty” list for their transgressions, he leaves lumps of coal, reminding everyone how easily he could have destroyed their homes.

As one would imagine, the season of Claus’s reign has become a time of great divisiveness. Claus’s followers label dissidents with the name “Grinch,” and spread stories about their allegedly cold, bleak hearts. Those who do not follow Claus spend a majority of the season avoiding public places, but during Claus’s Reign of Terror, there is little escape.

As usual, citizens are advised to remain calm and remember that the Reign of Terror will end January 1st. Also, please monitor your bank account and credit card balances, which are prone to sudden and unexpected activity during this season.

Stay Vigilant;

The Department of Santa-Related Affairs.

A Special Announcement

timewarp

Good day, citizens.

Due to last night’s bi-annual time warp, many of you may be experiencing strange symptoms. The most common symptoms include fatigue, headaches, and disorientation. However, as mild as the symptoms may be, they are a cause of concern, as they can cause increased accidents and decreased productivity.

To reduce your post-time warp disorientation, citizens are advised to get to sleep at your usual time, take rest breaks as needed, and report to your local stimulant dispensary, or “starbucks,” for chemical assistance. If you continue to experience symptoms that are unusually strong, or last longer than a week, please see a physician.

Despite the illness, fatigue, and increase in fatal accidents following the bi-annual time warp, please remember that the time warps are necessary to maintain the stability of the space-time continuum, as well as the fabric of society. If we did not create time warps are regular intervals, entropy would erode, causality would fail, broken vases would fix themselves, old people would turn into babies, and Earth would spin backward, flinging us all into space. Because of this, we must all sacrifice a steady sleep schedule to the greater good.

Please continue to monitor your health, and thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,

The Department of Temporal Affairs