I must apologize for my lack of updates this past week, but I’ve been very busy. I went into space, was accosted by some very hands-y Jawas, took an elevator ride to the fifth dimension, took a limo ride with Aerosmith, went hang-gliding, went into space a couple more times, took a trip around the world, went on a safari, went to the Jurassic to rescue a baby iguanodon, climbed Mount Everest, went on a couple of mine trains, went into space a few more times, went into a haunted house, had dinner with nobility, and had myriad other adventures.
In other words, I very much enjoyed my trip to Disney World!
Of course, now that I’ve returned home, I’m recovering from all of the fun. After spending so much time trying not to say inappropriate things around children, I just had to share some of the alternate endings I’ve imagined for several beloved Disney classics.
Snow White, the alternate ending. Prince Ferdinand dismounted his horse and stared, captivated, at the maiden who lay before him. He had arrived too late to save her, and yet she looked as though she only slept. She was as beautiful in death as she had been in life.
He leaned down to steal just one kiss from those lifeless lips- to capture just a taste of a love that could never be. As his lips touched hers, he realized his mistake.
It was too late. The lingering poison was the most deadly ever concocted. Just one drop…
As Prince Ferdinand’s body hit the ground, Doc sighed. “Grab your shovels, boys. We have another grave to dig. Dig dig dig…
Sleeping Beauty, the alternate ending. “The dress should be pink!” Flora insisted, aiming her wand at the obviously happy girl who danced in the distance.
“No- the dress should be blue!” Merryweather snapped back, aiming her own wand. Fury seemed to boil her very blood. She’d put up with Flora’s bossiness for sixteen years, and now it was time for payback.
Merryweather put every ounce of her pent-up anger into the spell; this one would not be so easily undone.
The resulting explosion destroyed the entire kingdom, leaving only a sparkling, blue crater in its place.
The Little Mermaid, the alternate ending. “Eric, stay away from her,” the sea witch croaked miserably, but she knew it was too late. The spell was broken, and Ariel’s beautiful voice was swirling around her, finally settling in Ariel’s swanlike throat. The final haunting notes of Ariel’s song hung in the evening air.
What’s worse, Eric reached Ariel just before the sun dipped below the horizon, kissing her gently, tentatively, on her perfect lips.
“I knew it- it was you all along!” he said.
“Bako pari mos daia. Mon bleet!” Ariel replied.
Eric stared at Ariel in shock, and Ursula laughed triumphantly. “You fool!” she cried. “Your precious princess may have her voice back, but she only speaks the language of the merfolk!”
It was true that Triton had forbidden the study of human speech, but Ariel had always been a rebel. She’d been secretly studying human speech for years, and she had a very good teacher.
Ariel took a deep breath, and tried again. “Squawk squawk SQUAAAAAAAAWK! Dinglehopper, squawk!”
Beauty and the Beast, the alternate ending. Gaston was a skilled hunter, and his blade stuck true, plunging deep into the beast’s lung. The beast let loose a roar of pain and flung Gaston off, sending Gaston hurtling into the ravine below.
Belle ran to the beast as he lay dying. She covered him with her cloak to shield him from the rain, but it was a gesture that would only serve to make his dying moments more comfortable. She reassured the beast that everything would be alright, but she could see the truth written in his eyes.
“At least I got to see you one last time,” the beast said. Then he closed his eyes, and he was no more.
Belle collapsed in despair. There had been so little time, and so many things that had gone unsaid.
“Please, don’t die,” Belle pleaded, a tear falling down her cheek. “I love you.”
With those words, a shaft of white light engulfed the beast’s body, and a great wind lifted his huge bulk into the air. His hideous visage twisted and shifted into the elegant face of a young prince.
Belle could hear cries of joy echoing from within the castle as the servants transformed into humans, but her tears continued to fall. On the roof, a beautiful prince lay in a puddle of blood and rain with a knife in his back.
Aladdin, the alternate ending. “Genie, you’re free,” Aladdin said with an affectionate grin.
“Finally!” Genie said as the shackles fell from his wrists. Being a spirit, he could not exactly feel the physical sensation, and yet it still felt as though the weight of millennia had fallen away.
“I’m going to miss yo-”
“I mean seriously, what is wrong with you mortals? I thought I was going to get to help people when I became a genie- to relieve the suffering that comes with the mortal state. I thought that if I left the wishes up to you, I could give you the help that you really wanted, aligned with your human values.
“So why is it that most of you wish for shiny pieces of metal that you can exchange for other pieces of shiny metal? Never once has anyone said ‘I wish for you to cure cancer,” or ‘please stop war,’ or even ‘I wish everyone had enough to eat.’”
“I didn’t thi-”
“I clearly told you the very few limits on my powers when we met. Nowhere did I state I couldn’t do those things.”
Genie turned away, and with lightning speed, began to pack his bags.
“I am out of here.”