The infamous dictator, Santa Claus, was spotted yesterday morning on 34th street, New York, riding an elaborate carriage. The carriage was surrounded by the usual pomp that precedes his annual Reign of Terror.
Today, many citizens are staying indoors as Claus’s followers fill the streets, shops, and malls with riots and mayhem. This tradition, dubbed with the dreadful moniker “Black Friday,’ is feared by many- even those who take part in the mayhem. The yearly ritual is filled with physical violence and often leads to financial ruin.
“Last year, I was bitten by two children and a middle-aged schoolteacher over a half-priced Xbox One,” Judy Smith, a retail worker, told Planetside news. “I have to work the early shift again this year- can you believe it?”
Black Friday, however, is just the beginning of Claus’s reign of terror. Each year, Claus’s propaganda machine springs to life, filling television, billboards, and the internet with advertisements. Public spaces are decorated in red and green, the colors that represent Claus’s party, and so-called “christmas trees” are erected as monuments.
“What disturbs me most is the constant music,” stated an anonymous source. “Everywhere you go, you can hear it- ‘he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows when you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.’”
This threat of constant surveillance is another way Claus maintains totalitarian control during his reign. He also sends his minions, known as elves, into the public and even into people’s homes. These elves sit on shelves and keep a constant lookout for those who break Claus’s strict rules.
Claus’s reign reaches its terrifying crescendo on December 24th, when Claus drives a herd of flying mutant ruminants around the world in an awesome display of power. He then enters the homes of his followers to collect tribute in the form of calorie-dense foods, and leaves gifts behind to solidify their loyalty. In the homes of those he has placed on the “naughty” list for their transgressions, he leaves lumps of coal, reminding everyone how easily he could have destroyed their homes.
As one would imagine, the season of Claus’s reign has become a time of great divisiveness. Claus’s followers label dissidents with the name “Grinch,” and spread stories about their allegedly cold, bleak hearts. Those who do not follow Claus spend a majority of the season avoiding public places, but during Claus’s Reign of Terror, there is little escape.
As usual, citizens are advised to remain calm and remember that the Reign of Terror will end January 1st. Also, please monitor your bank account and credit card balances, which are prone to sudden and unexpected activity during this season.
The Department of Santa-Related Affairs.