Good day, citizens.
Due to last night’s bi-annual time warp, many of you may be experiencing strange symptoms. The most common symptoms include fatigue, headaches, and disorientation. However, as mild as the symptoms may be, they are a cause of concern, as they can cause increased accidents and decreased productivity.
To reduce your post-time warp disorientation, citizens are advised to get to sleep at your usual time, take rest breaks as needed, and report to your local stimulant dispensary, or “starbucks,” for chemical assistance. If you continue to experience symptoms that are unusually strong, or last longer than a week, please see a physician.
Despite the illness, fatigue, and increase in fatal accidents following the bi-annual time warp, please remember that the time warps are necessary to maintain the stability of the space-time continuum, as well as the fabric of society. If we did not create time warps are regular intervals, entropy would erode, causality would fail, broken vases would fix themselves, old people would turn into babies, and Earth would spin backward, flinging us all into space. Because of this, we must all sacrifice a steady sleep schedule to the greater good.
Please continue to monitor your health, and thank you for your cooperation.
The Department of Temporal Affairs